My Story

 

 

 

From Breaking Down to Breaking Open

 

For months, I felt like I was standing at the edge of a cliff. I knew I would have to jump – decide to leave who I thought was the man of my life – or not. I was petrified standing on the edge of that cliff, standing still.

 

In October 2016, I came across the Art of Living Foundation in Singapore. After doing some research, I thought this program could help me with my situation. I signed up and completed their Happiness Program. Through this course, I felt I was entering a new world, somewhere I was never told was worth exploring, yet this place was inviting and cozy. That place was within me. This Art of Living program then led me to the Sahaj Samadhi Meditation course, which got me started with breath work and meditation. It wasn’t easy at the beginning, but with repetition and commitment, I eventually got it. This was five years ago; I have been hooked ever since. My little secret is that I have been using the Insight Timer app to help me with my meditation habit. It has a rewards system using stars. For ten straight days of meditation, I get one star. This has worked like magic with me; it turns out that I’m an excellent star collector!

 

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One evening in early 2017, and after completion of the two Art of Living programs, my husband and I were at home, seated on the couch. I summoned the courage to tell him I wanted to get divorced. After that night, I felt like my life was on a huge roller coaster. Sometimes you have to experience the worst, touch rock bottom, go through a lot of pain and sorrow, so the healing and inner growth can happen. Only then does the transformational journey start. We fall apart, we get pushed beyond our limits, we face our shadows, and ultimately, we do the work despite the difficulties. Then we take our power back, and slowly we become a better version of ourselves. It doesn’t happen in one day, however. Like Leonard Cohen said, “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” My wounds were my cracks. I had them all over me. Yet, the light and healing were coming through them too.

 

In April 2017, I attended the Art of Silence retreat in Bali. We weren’t allowed to talk for one week. Our regimen was vegetarian food, yoga, meditation, meditation, and more meditation. After two days of battling these thoughts in my head, I thought I should run away and hop on the first plane to Singapore. But Guruji, aka the Art of Living Foundation founder Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, was there. Only five hundred participants were allowed in this silent retreat. His soothing voice and unique presence were an absolute blessing. His aura transformed this event to a magical experience and a long-lasting memory. Without consciously knowing it, these were my first steps onto my spiritual path and practice.

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Later that year, after the separation was finalized, I unfortunately lost my job. The Universe sends us only what we can handle. I didn’t know it at the time. The negotiations regarding the divorce were getting nowhere. Arguments with my soon-to-be-ex-husband became more frequent. Money sent to the lawyer increased.

 

Throughout this period, my only thought was to protect my kids. “As long as they are fine, I am fine,” I told myself. I would wake up at 4 a.m. worrying about the money I didn’t have. How to pay my bills, my rent, and buy clothing and food for my kids. Singapore is the most expensive city in the world, after all. My anxiety transformed into physical pain. I had so much pain in my stomach that some days I couldn’t walk. The lower part of my neck was so tense, I’d take painkillers when it was too unbearable. I cried a lot. I doubted a lot. I panicked often. The only thing I was certain of was that the only way through it was forward. There was no turning back at this point. When surrounded by chaos, I couldn’t find stillness.

 

But slowly, the practices of meditation and Sudarshan Kriya, a breathing technique developed by Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, along with therapy, started to show their benefits. I learned to let go, although forgiving myself took way more time. I found calm and stillness within. Meditation helped me gain clarity. I would freak out less often when facing what I saw at the time as “a mountain of problems.” I put my mental health and healing first. My resilience started to build up as well. I became stronger mentally. I learned at the Art of Living that I was bigger than my problems. I would repeat it, and repeat it again until I was convinced. When my mood was down, my mom would patiently listen to me on the phone and helped me go through it. I was rebuilding my life one step at a time.

 

What I learned is that there is an amazing opportunity for personal growth and learning within the most painful moments of life. These moments break you so you can break through.

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The Only Way Is Forward

 

Throughout my journey and spiritual development so far, three areas have dramatically transformed: my quietude, meaning the peace inside me; the direction of my life based on who I truly am; and my mindset, which completely shifted.

 

My quietude. Thanks to meditation, I was able to stay calm when there were issues arising, I panicked less when facing uncertainty, and I calmed down more quickly when something inside was triggered. My focus increased; I could find peace and stillness within. It took practice, but the effects were amazing. As of today, I have a daily meditation practice. Over time it has evolved: from morning practice to evening; from guided by teachers to being accompanied with sound healing music; with music or without; from 5 minutes to 20 minutes. I like my routine but I also enjoy variety, so I listen to my needs of the moment. At times, I have included yoga or EFT tapping or long walks and running. The only constant is that I meditate every day.

 

My direction. During my marriage, I knew my role. I was a mother, a spouse, a professional woman. Although my family and I moved from one continent to another, I readapted to my new environment. I helped my family cope with the changes and eased the transition to a new home in a foreign city. After my separation, I had to reinvent myself because I had lost my true self along the way. I questioned what I knew. “If I’m not any of these roles, then what am I supposed to do? Who am I?” For that, I turned to astrology. All my answers were in my chart, the blueprint the Universe had left for me at my birth. Astrology was like a compass. Besides revealing who I was, astrology also helped me to understand my deeper purpose.

 

My mindset. Within five years, I have been through a huge mindset reset. I always thought I had to put myself last to keep everybody happy so I could be happy too. One major change was to put myself first by understanding that the first person I have to love and care for is myself. I learned to say no to others and yes to me. On a daily basis, I encourage myself, I coach myself, I forgive myself, I give myself time. I now think that everything I need is already mine. I learned to live on a higher frequency (link to article) by doing things with more joy and love. There are still some limited beliefs that I uncover and work on, but I’m happy to be fully dedicated to a growth mindset. American psychologist Carol S. Dweck, PhD, differentiates mindset between fixed and growth. People with a fixed mindset have a “tendency to see their intelligence as static, avoid challenges, give up easily, see effort as pointless, ignore useful negative feedback,” while someone with a growth mindset has a “tendency to embrace challenges, persist in the face of setbacks, see effort as the path to mastery, learn from criticism, find lessons and inspiration in the success of others.” Furthermore, Dweck writes in Mindset: The New Psychology of Success (2007), “This is the mindset that allows people to thrive during some of the most challenging times in their lives.”

 

My self-care routine. My self-love and self-care can be expressed in various ways physically, mentally, and spiritually. Physical care is going out for runs and bike rides, getting a massage, having a nap when I feel tired, and my Ayurvedic morning steps (wash my face several times with water, scrape my tongue, swish sesame oil, brush my teeth with neem toothpaste). Even moisturizing my body with lotion in the evening and making myself tea have become loving rituals. My mental care is respecting myself, setting boundaries, ending relationships that no longer serve me, talking to myself with kindness and compassion, and taking time off. And my spiritual care – what Hindus refer to as Sāhhanā, meaning daily spiritual practice – consists of meditation, chanting, yoga, repeating affirmations, moon rituals, connecting with nature, consultations with my astrologer, visiting sacred places, and reading about spirituality.

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At the time of this writing, this is my daily spiritual practice: in the morning, gratitude, reading Raise Your Vibration by Kyle Gray, and a walk, run, or bike ride. In the evening, lighting candles, EFT tapping with essential oils, followed by a guided meditation by Daviji or Sarah Blondin.

 

When I’m stressed, I make my routine a non-negotiable activity because having it every day creates stability. Because I can count on it, it grounds me. I don’t let myself down by skipping it. In fact, I do extra self-care and time for myself with longer guided meditation, yoga and stretching, and long walks on the beach. I force myself to slow down to focus on this activity as my mental wellness is a priority to ease stress.

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There Is Something Good in Everything. My Lessons Learned.

 

The road of transformation takes place when we are challenged, when our world collapses and we understand that it’s up to us to decide whether to stay buried in our ashes or find the force within to become a Phoenix. Embrace spiritual practice and the change coming your way.

 

My favorite mantra: Ganesh Mantra “Om Gan Ganapataye Namo Namah” sung by Suresh Wadkar. The Elephant God, Ganesh, helps to remove obstacles.

 

My preferred chanting: Overcome all Challenges sung by Matthew Jaidev Duplessie. “Aap Sahaaee Hoaa, Sachay Daa Sachaa Doaa, Har, Har, Har,” or To help navigate the unknown without fear.

 

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